Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
