i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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