When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
