Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm too high and old for this...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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