He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How many fucks given?
0.12846
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
