I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
