9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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