Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
