She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
