YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
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