Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
