Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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