The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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