I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
