Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
