a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
3 2 1 whiskey
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
