at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
