He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How drunk are you?
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