Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
