someone get that fucking seahorse.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
