I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
