Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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