Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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