this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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