Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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