The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize