i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
