A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
