my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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