I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
