I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize