Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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