He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
