Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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