When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
