No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
