she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
