you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
