trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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