***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
