no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
