fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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