My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
