I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
