I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
