He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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