She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
