Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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