yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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