I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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