I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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