Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
