Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
