I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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