I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
