Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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