woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
