Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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