I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
