did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
