I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
