I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
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