Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
