thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
