I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
